Part 7

 "To err is human"

Seated by the pool deck, he took a deep breath before as he traced his fingers over her words – it was the closest he could be to her now; his ‘ajeeb’ Khushi Kumari Gupta Singh Riazada, he mused. He hadn't noticed it before but her handwriting was a little quirky and somewhat squiggly, just like her he thought. Not surprising, he told himself.

LaadGoverner’s Technici Kh-a-ra-bis, it was a struggle to read the last word and it took Arnav longer to figure out what it meant exactly. He couldn’t believe what he read next –

On his birthday, damage the ac, open the windows, let the machhars attack, light some agarbatti and feed him chocolate cake.

If that took him by surprise, the next entry blew his mind away –

No one talks to me here; no one wants me here or anywhere. I cannot take this silence anymore.

The rest of the words were a blur, fudged partly by her own tears and party by his moist eyes; he hated her tears and yet it was ironical that he had made her cry the most, her swollen eye lids still haunted him, catching him off guard when he least expected it. As the night wore on, he immersed himself in those pages that were etched of heartbreak and adorned by silent tears that an innocent had shed alone on similar nights and he fell further in his eyes, if at all it was possible to fall any lower. Guilt was overwhelming while redemption was nowhere in sight, it was like being swept off a river and dumped into the turbulent seas; drowning was inevitable.

It was dark; the only source of light was the dim light by the poolside that barely made its way into his room. She could not see him right away, but knew he was in there somewhere, in this darkness of his own making.

Just as she turned around to switch on the lights, Arnav spoke, "I know you are scared of the darkness Khushi but I like it like this…please"

It was then she noticed his silhouette in the darkness, sprawled on the cold hard stone floor by the pool, his head resting on the sharp edge of the deck as if it was the most comfortable pillow that his wealth could acquire.

She ran to him in worry, "What are you doing Arnavji?"

"I can see the stars from here you know" he ignored her pleas to get up and just carried on, " Do you think she would be proud of me?"

"Who?" frantically trying to budge him off the cold floor.

"Mom?"

She cut him off, "Are you crazy, its freezing out here, get up and sleep in your room. I can't understand why you are doing this to yourself" she couldn't stop her streaming tears, she couldn't stop him and this madness that had taken him hostage; she felt helpless. And she couldn't see him fall apart and yet it was all disintegrating in front of her eyes, and all because of her, she had been the crux around which the evil had spun his lies around and cursed others.

"I can't see you like this. Why are you doing this to yourself?" she asked in a frail voice so low that it barely came out as a whisper.

"I want to know how this feels like…" he didn't elaborate instead took out a notebook from his pocket and turned to a bookmarked page, "Today he made me sleep outside… I have never felt so much hurt from within and this pain not because of where I am as I write this but because it's him who has inflicted this upon me. This from a man who I thought… I was wrong my mind tells me. I should hate him and I do with all my heart and still it hurts that it was him. Why? Hate is all I want to feel but hurt is all I feel"

Those were her words, but this time she felt no pain.

When he didn't get a response he put the notebook away and looked up, only to stare at emptiness.

---

Present day

Khushi still knew the number like the back of her hand; it wasn't until her fourth attempt that she finally decided to call. To her great chagrin, no one picked up at the other end, it was eight in the morning, why wasn't she picking up, Khushi wondered? Just as she was about to hang up, someone was at the other end.

"Hello..."

"Jiji..."

"Khushi?" 

There was no response from the other end, "Khushi, is that you?" the air of excitement was palpable even though they were miles apart, "Khushi, talk to me" Payal urged her to speak.

And finally she did, "Jiji...how are you?"

"Khushi..." And those darn tears just wouldn't stop, both of them were caught up in the moment and no words were forthcoming even though there was so much to be said.

"Jiji...please stop crying."

"Where the hell are you? How can you just disappear like that Khushi? Do you have any idea how I've gone mad every single day?" Payal couldn’t stop shaking out of excitement or keep those tears away, her baby was safe! “I wish I could see you right now…” and breathed a sigh of relief.

Khushi smiled through her tears, "I miss you too Di...I miss you too..." she confessed, "and I’m fine... tell me about you?"

" I miss you too Khushi... where are you?" Payal asked, "Is this your number?"

"No... “Their emotional reunion of sorts was cut short by Khushi’s Manager “What the hell is going on in this kitchen...?"

“Kitchen? Where are you Khushi, what’s going on?" alarmed at the harsh tone of the man at the other end.

Khushi ended the call hastily but not before promising to call back soon."Khushi wait, there is so much more to…” But the line went dead before that, that you are going to be a Maasi soon... Payal spoke tearfully as she stared at the screen, "This number". When she called back, the phone had already been switched off.

---

He left home early the next morning unable to sit at home and be reminded of her, there was a piece of Khushi at every corner of his house, memories attached to innocuous things that he never knew existed before, everything was successfully driving him mad. Folks at home barring Anjali didn’t even notice his grouchy mood. You couldn’t blame them either for they hadn’t seen the man exude an aura of happiness in ages; for them grouchy had become synonymous with Arnav.

All the way to work, he kept wondering - there has to be a way to trace her down, she couldn’t have simply vanished off the face of earth like that! Why had all his previous attempts at finding her ended at a dead end, he needed to talk to Aakash; who had been at the forefront of those attempts. Arnav did not realize it but he was finally looking at things differently. Yes, he was still angry and frustrated at how things had turned out, at his inability to control things, or how he couldn’t anticipate Khushi taking such drastic steps but it was no longer about him; it had everything to do with her.

She was scarred emotionally…battered he thought, I drove her to the brink of suicide and finally drove her away. Shaitaan! Her words reverberated in his head and he cursed at himself wondering how he could ever go about healing those emotional scars… at least he could see those cuts he had once bandaged over but the heart ache would be harder. Just the thought of a broken Khushi – withdrawn, devoid of her natural spunk, penniless and all alone in this cruel city unnerved him, was she alright? His thoughts meandered between Nainital and the dilapidated Guest House, and how she had fallen sick … how had she managed to be all this time? Did she ever miss him? Why would she, he had given her no reasons to.

Where are you Khushi?

Arnav turned the car radio on for some reprieve only to hear the news of a group of teenage girls rescued from a prostitution racket. It was a stark reminder of the dark world they lived in, world where she had been pushed out to, to fend for herself. He shut off the radio on almost immediately. Immersed in his thoughts, he failed to notice the relentless tap on his window; it was only when the cars behind him honked that he was alerted to the situation, he had been blocking traffic. As he drove away from the lights, he looked back through the mirror; it was a young woman holding a malnourished baby in her arms begging for money. He kept looking back at her through his side window; she looked like Khushi’s age!

By the time he got to the office, he was in a terribly foul mood. He stormed to his cabin ignoring the pleasantries his staff was extending to him. Once inside his cabin, he threw the briefcase and his jacket on the leather sofa, and slumped against the cushions, unable to take it anymore. The stress of his situation was beginning to take its toll.

“May I come in Sir” the voice of his new Secretary caused him to jerk up, “What the…” he looked up angrily naturally terrifying her “Sir your coffee...”he glared at her, “Over here”

“Sir” she approached him tentatively, wary of his foul mood and handed him a note,“What?” he exclaimed annoyed because he wanted to be left alone, “Sir, Lavanya Maam  had  called from New York and left you a message” He looked at the note once she was gone, it read - Natasha on board!

Arnav called up Aman right away and told him to find out everything about Natasha Vaid, as soon as he could, “its urgent Aman, get to it” he instructed.

When Aakash walked in to Arnav’s cabin, he found his brother slumped over the sofa, his head in his hands, and his coffee untouched.

“Bhai…” he asked startling Arnav, who looked fatigued with dark circles under his eyes like he had not slept in ages, “She left behind divorce papers …” he mumbled.

“Oh!” Aakash walked over and sat next to him, “I’m sorry Bhai…” He didn’t know what else to say.“I’m sorry…” and placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder tentatively.

“I’m fine” Arnav swiftly wiped what looked like an errant tear away and closed his eyes almost as if he was trying to stop those tears. When that didn't work, he walked over to the windows and stared at nothing in particular. “I just need to know…that she is safe” Arnav never showed his vulnerability to anyone because it made him feel exposed. This was no different; he wasn't the kind to open his heart out easily.

They didn’t say another word for a while, both of immersed in their own thoughts until Arnav broke the silence, “Tell me something Aakash…why do you think all our previous attempts to trace Khushi fail so badly?”  

“We’ve never stopped looking” he stammered a little, “…why now”

“Just…” he paused, “I need to know why we failed so… Everything is so messed up…” he confessed only to abruptly stop as if it suddenly occurred to him, “Is there something you wanted to talk about” and narrowed his eyes at him, “You wouldn’t be here otherwise” 

“I’m thinking I should do this more often” Aakash responded.

“What?” he asked curiously.

“You have never opened up like this before” and that elicited a chuckle from Arnav,“That’s not true” he responded, “Of course it’s true, you are smiling now. That’s another giveaway..."

Arnav did not respond to that.

“And you seem to be asking the right questions…” Aakash observed him keenly even as he took a sip from the blue mug that Payal had gifted him for their third marriage anniversary.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“From me-myself and I to her…that’s a start” he paused trying to gauge Arnav’s reaction but what had to be said couldn't be held back any longer, “and unless you ask the right questions, you will never find the answers you are looking for. May be we were looking at the wrong places” He seemed to be hinting at something.

Arnav should have been angry at Aakash’s inference but he wasn't “Since when did you become so wise Aakash?”

“I think it’s the impending fatherhood Bhai…” And that effectively steered the conversation away from Arnav to Aakash, “How is Payal, have you talked to her?”

“I keep trying Bhai…but she refuses to come back. Actually I wanted to talk to you about that, I’m going to Lucknow next week”

“Is everything alright?”

“She is fine…just has her regular check- up and I knew she hates my guts at this point but I’m going to be there… whether she likes it or not!”

“You should, she misses you - I could see that…”

“I know she does...she is just stubborn like her …” he stopped.

“Like her sister?” he raised an eyebrow, “That they are” and smiled indulgently.

The conversation was followed by an awkward silence; this was new to them, this sort of bonding.

“I’ll get going” Aakash took a file from Arnav’s desk, as he turned to leave.

“Aakash?”

He stopped at the door and waited “I’m sorry…” Arnav surprised him.

“For?”

“For everything…and most of all, for using your marriage as a leverage. Will you ever forgive me, can you?”

Aakash gave him a strange look, “Have you ever taken a day off Bro?”

“No, why?” it was true; work was the only thing that had kept him sane all these years, through all the tragedies life had thrown at him. Aakash did not leave without a parting shot “May be its time you took one…Think about it”

When he was gone, Arnav dialed up Anjali on impulse; “Why didn't you stop her Di, I wasn't here but you could have … why didn’t you?” he desperately needed answers.

Anjali had been trying to placate her crying daughter for the past hour, “I did the right thing”

“The right thing?” he exclaimed.

“Yes because sometimes, letting go IS the right thing” she insisted even as she struggled with Pari.

"Are you kidding me?" He was very close to snapping, “Where was all this moral righteousness when she was being wronged?” She was not expecting that, “If I remember correctly, you never stopped me?”

“Let’s talk when you get home…” he relented unwillingly only for his niece.

---

Mrs. Sharma had been one of his regular patients following the divorce with her husband of thirty odd years. Her initial state of denial ‘I’m fine’ had given away to immense anger ‘Why me?’ which had been followed by acute depression, and now resigned acceptance had overtaken the bitter cynicism in general. She had gone through a gamut of emotions and the bitter life experience had only made her see things differently. Sometimes just having a person to talk was enough as in her case, it held true; these sessions had been therapeutic for her. Although the crux of her story remained the same, the tone of the narrative had changed – and she was better for it.

Of course, every now and then, the past would strike sporadically and she would startle him in that acquired accent of hers, "He cheated on me Doctor, with a girl younger than our daughter!” which would inevitably be followed by that peculiar head shake that bugged him no ends.

And she did not let him down today either.

“Men…” he mumbled, the irony not lost on him. In work, as in life, he knew you’d just have to learn to take shit; there was no other way. And somewhere along the way, life would surprise you in ways unimagined. His patients proved him right every other day.

“Have you ever thought of meeting new people?” Ved had once asked in one of the earliest sessions, only to be reprimanded thoroughly. He had effectively scandalized the poor soul that day, “At this age! Imagine what the Society Ladies would say?”  She had looked aghast, but there had been a glimmer of hope in her question…a lingering, an unsaid – could I? And he had resolved to prod again at an opportune time, when the irrational fear would no longer hold her back from being herself, and claiming happiness.

“Then again…they will bitch regardless” she had quipped that day.

“You didn’t tell me Mrs. Sharma, how did you agree to the Book Club?” he seized a moment when she had practically exhausted herself. Shoot a question when they least expect it, when they are unprepared – invariably the masks fall; he knew by experience.

“Mr. Mehta” she stammered a little, “The new neighbor…” her nervousness apparent “who moved into the apartment next to mine...suggested it’s a good place…” she took out the box of cigarettes from her bag, “There are lots of people with similar interests you know” He nodded but stopped her before she could light up that cigarette, “This is a no smoking zone”

“Since when?”

“Mrs. Sharma” he cautioned her affectionately, “Oh come on Son, you let me smoke that day” she waved her arms up in the air almost theatrically in protest.

“Because… it was the need of the hour” she didn’t seem convinced, “And it was not in the clinic”

She grumbled all the way to the door “Fine, I’ll take it outside”

“I think the Book Club is doing wonders for you…See you next week Mrs. Sharma, take care of yourself” it took him another half hour to compile the notes for the session. When he finally got around to checking his phone, he was startled to find eight missed calls from her; so he called her back anxiously.

“Hello.. Anjali?” the concern was evident in his voice.

As was relief in hers, “Ved! Thank god, where were you?”

“I’m sorry Anjali, I was at the Clinic…and you know I don’t attend calls when I’m in the middle of a session” he responded calmly, “Is everything alright?”

“Yes…I’m sorry” she took a breather, “It’s just that…I wish you were here now…”she confessed, “I need you…I need to be with you now…”

“What’s wrong?”

“I gave Arnav the envelope…”

“Oh?”, he wasn’t sure what to expect with Arnav.

“Yeah…”

“How did he react?”

“He is angry with me…obviously…” she walked away from the bed, “for keeping that from him. I have never seen him so angry with me before Ved. I just hope he won’t do anything rash…he cannot think straight when he is angry” and sat down on a chair by the window.

“Don’t worry everything will be fine, we’ll figure out something” she went quiet at the other end, “ Anjali…is that all?...You didn’t tell him about us did you?”

“No” her response was emphatic; “Obviously… I couldn’t…” she got up and walked around the room, “You haven’t told Khushiji?”

“Not yet…” he replied in his deep baritone, “But we will have to start somewhere you know…and sooner the better…” he looked out the window to the calm sea outside, “Do you want me to be there?”

“I guess I just needed to hear your voice more than anything else…I’ll be fine”

“He is a tough guy Anjali; I think you underestimate him”

“He will always be a baby to me Ved…”

“True” he agreed to that, “His reaction was expected Anjali"

“I just wish I could ease his suffering somehow...tell him where…”

“Please don’t…” Ved interjected, “That would be a mistake”

“I know…” she sighed, “I just don’t understand why life has been so unfair on us…on him. I just want his happiness…”

“And he will get it but true happiness cannot come without being at peace with yourself, he has to find that space himself. Give him more time…he will come around to it. He is good man Anjali”

“And Khushiji? What if she drifts away from him?”

“If that’s what she wants …” he checked himself, “That’s not in our hands … andI’m sure; life has something good in store for her. She's amazing, you know” he smiled, “You should see how she lights up the Sundays at the old age home…they love her there”

“I'd love to go there one of these days” Anjali felt better already, “How is it that I feel better when I talk to you?”

“I’m a Shrink remember?”

“Who fell for his patient?”

“Doesn’t sound ethical to me…” he reminisced about their first few encounters.

“It isn’t apparently…” she added feeling a lot better now, Yes if you were still my patient…” his emphasis on the word still not lost on her, “Beside nothing beats the thrill of breaking rules ... the fear of getting caught. Makes you feel young again!"

“I’m finding out…who would have thought!”

“You forget I am a man first” she laughed… “How is Pari?” he could sense that affectionate smile spread across her face at the mention of her daughter, “I think she misses the uncle with pearly grey eyes”

“Give her a kiss for me will you?” he asked, “And me?” she questioned in returned,“I’ll take care of that…”

“Ved…” her voice was low again, “I can’t stop feeling guilty…”

“Of?” he sat down on the sofa.

“All this…us…sometimes I feel I don’t deserve to be happy….! Every time I see Arnav… I don’t know if I can forgive myself…Will I get a second chance?”

“You are doing all you can Anjali, don’t be so hard on yourself”

But is that enough…will that be enough? She wondered to herself, “The entire family is paying the price of my selfishness…that night… and I was so wrong…so wrong to assume, he would change…that everything would be alright”

It was like she was relapsing back to the state that Ved had fought so hard to get her out of, following her decision to file for divorce from Shyam Manohar Jha. The family was in ruins, Khushi had virtually vanished off the face of Delhi leaving an hysterical Arnav behind ‘How can she leave me?’ and she had her own demons to deal with. A pregnant woman, on cusp of something so precious and yet having to weather so many storms from all sides; it was nothing short of a miracle that she had come through it by the end. She may have survived but she certainly carried the scars of the battle with her. True guilt was truly ironic, turning up every so often and yet the hardest to get rid of. She battled with hers every day, still.

“I’m taking the first flight to Delhi tomorrow Anjali…hang in there” he wasn’t so calm anymore.