Part 16

Dreams are like windows to the soul

~oOo~

Teri meri, meri teri Prem kahani hai mushqil
Do lafzon mein yeh bayaan na ho paaye

Aaa...

Tumse dil jo lagaya toh jahaan maine paaya
Kabhi socha na tha yun meelon door hoga saaya
Kyun khuda tune mujhe aisa khwaab dikhaya
Jab haqiqat mein usey todna tha

~oOo~

She swayed hypnotically …dancing to the devil’s tunes as those strong arms twirled her around…his touch soft and gentle, their hands outstretched… faces hidden by the darkness like a velvety drape over a satiny enclave… the words floating in silence…unspoken yet etched in those eyes - one furtive, curious and uncertain…starring back at the molten caramel… drinking in the soft, dark and the mysterious, inviting orbs… ever so tempting – challenging as they drew her close…  twirling her … each turn…bringing her closer…invading her senses…the musk exclusively his…raw and just him … that intense incense drowning her further as their proximity grew …till she came crashing down on his hard sculpted form…like it was meant to be… meshed into one dark silhouette to all prying eyes… the music completely drowned out by their own defiant hearts that drummed in joy…the audience all but a blur…a blip that had long ceased to exist…it was just them…and that moment…their eyes locked in this duel…till his eyes dropped sinfully to her lips… their bodies pressed together…and his hands gently stroked her back…sending her dizzying down that pit of sin…unable to stop… this frenzy that had descended and scooped her along…she kept clinging on to him like vines to a tree... like how it was meant to be… voices that warned her to turn around, and run  but there was no escaping those fiery eyes…then for a moment…his hands stilled, the torment had ceased, had they?…until…he turned her around…bringing her closer… shamelessly… further into him…sinking… his fleeting touches on her waist…  teasing…tantalizing….warm…carving a sinuous burning path where they trailed …like a master magician strumming the right notes…igniting a fire within her… This had to stop…she reasoned briefly but it was a losing battle…and she knew nothing more…as his fingers grazed her here…there…and she finally gave in…surrendering…trembling…as his breath kissed her cheeks…his hands tightened their hold…until the blinding light from nowhere came crashing down…

~oOo~

Khushi woke up breathing heavily and with a racing heart clearly discomforted by the bright lights. In sudden horror, her hands moved to her waist…as if seeking re-confirmation, it was a dream! Instant relief washed over her and she placed her left palm over her heart trying to steady it, just a dream…just a dream; she kept repeating, just a dream! And slowly the molten caramel faded back into the same darkness as normalcy took over. She blinked her eyes trying to adjust to the bright sunlight streaming into the room, its effects accentuated as it reflected off the white walls and spread everywhere bathing the room in an ethereal glow – all that brightness coupled with the mild headache didn’t make things easy. And it wasn’t till she stretched her body lazily in that comfortable bed – that she felt something different. Alarmed by her internal trigger, Khushi came out of that drunken sluggishness right away. She knew something was off because it not only felt different, it was different! Her eyes snapped open starring at the ceiling intently – the hairline crack on the plastered ceiling was missing, the grey – creaky ceiling fan was missing - this was not her room! And panic set in.

She stayed put though inside the covers holding on to the white duvet partly immobilized by shock as her eyes further scanned the unfamiliar space taking in the abnormality of it all. The panic increased with every new detail. It didn’t subside till she saw Deeya sleeping on a couch at the far end of the room “What the!”

Relaxing slightly, she called out to her friend, “Deeya…?” not getting through at the first attempt “Deeya!!” louder slightly but enough for Deeya to blink and stare back, “What happened to our room?” Khushi asked her friend who was finally looking at her, “What happened to your bed?” and when Deeya did not answer, “Why is there so much sunlight in our room” Khushi shielded her eyes using her left hand “normally we only get the evening sun”, then it struck her – with that sinking feeling at the pit of her stomach, Khushi slowly gathered herself, and raised herself on her elbows to look around the room – it most definitely was not their little hostel room! She jerked and sat up on the bed, hands on her head – horror writ large on her face, “Where are we?” seeking answers desperately.

“You don’t remember anything?” Deeya looked more amused than shocked when Khushi shook her head in the negative, “Not even how you got into those?” Deeya asked pointing at the shirt.

The revelation from last night playing heavily on his mind, Arnav’s restlessness was understandable; and his biggest worry at this point was Khushi, how would she react? Not surprisingly, he had been pacing outside his room for the past hour, deliberating whether to walk in or not. He would have had it not been for one pesky friend, with her there, it just did not seem appropriate. So for the umpteenth time that morning, Arnav walked up to the closed door, wanting to barge in but stalled as his hands touched the cold metallic knob, “I shouldn’t”

It was no different this time as he decided against walking in, deeming it inappropriate and turned around poised to walk back; only to halt when he heard voices from within the room, and one of them was unmistakably hers! Khushi was up! With excitement that was hard to explain, he moved closer to the door only to recognize that distress in her voice, “Oh my! Where are we?”

Khushi was up starring at her clothes in sheer disbelief, “Whose?” Deeya didn’t have the heart to tell her anything so kept mum, “What is going on here? Where are we? What happened to my clothes?”

She didn’t remember anything! “Perfect” he mumbled mentally preparing himself for the inevitable onslaught. He felt something amiss in her reaction though he couldn’t figure out what exactly that was.

“Deeya….where are my clothes?” Khushi narrowed her eyes at her friend expecting some answers “I was at work…and I called you cause it was late…but how?” Terribly confused Khushi looked around the room, as she stood on the middle of the bed unable to make sense of anything, “Where are we?”

Deeya stared at her friend, not exactly sure where to begin, crap this was going to be hard, she thought.

On the other hand, Arnav had had enough, so he barged in – screw the little chit, I own this place, “You are in my room…” he could barely say before he was zapped into silence. For the third time, Khushi Kumari Gupta Singh Raizada had rendered Arnav Singh Raizada speechless. And he stared, like any man caught in that position would – his eyes wandered relishing every bit of what he saw, it had been too long, and this felt like an oasis in the middle of the desert to a parched man. Khushi wearing those oversized clothes, his to be more precise standing on top of the bed like she owned the place - he couldn’t stop himself from starring because she looked quite simply adorable, her hair in a mess, those smudged kohl lined eyes, and that absolute shock plastered on her face as she saw him, the lips that formed that O.

It happened so fast that it didn’t register right away but when it did she gulped hard; first as she saw him – Arnavji then as she heard his voice and memories of last night came flooding back, Arnavji had found her! There was panic and it multiplied by thousands as she followed the direction of his gaze and looked down at herself, the horror as it dawned upon her, the clothes she wore – Harvard, it meant only one thing! And her legs were bare, she didn’t know what scandalized her more, the fact that she was wearing his clothes, standing on his bed in his room or that these freaking shorts were way too short, No this had to be a nightmare! The worst of its kind. Without warning, Khushi jumped off the bed to the other side taking the duvet with her, trying desperately to use that as a shield to provide some sanctity, what the hell was going on here!

“Will someone explain what is going on here?” Khushi shouted at the top of her voice zapping Arnav out of his reverie, and turned to Deeya after giving him an angry stare, “Deeya, what happened to my clothes? What are we doing here? What is he doing here?”

“This is my place” she wasn’t too impressed with his response, “I am not talking to you”

~~~

A few hours ago.

Standing on the balcony overlooking the midnight downpour, Arnav clutched the note that Nadia had handed him over earlier in the week, Culinary School, Khushiwas a chef? So that’s what she had been up to all this time! It almost sounded preposterous, and on top of that everything had happened so fast, it was yet to sink in. Like the fact that Khushi was sleeping in his room at this very moment, he couldn’t have dreamt of this even a day before!

 Aakash… Arnav had guessed as much but things didn’t make complete sense yet so without wasting any more time, he fished out the cell phone from his pocket and dialed him. Never mind it was close to midnight, this conversation couldn’t wait. Arnav took a deep breath and let it out.

Aakash was in deep sleep when his cell phone buzzed startling him. Instantly worried about Payal’s well being, he reached out for his specs placed on the edge of the bed, and put them on. He squinted adjusting to the bright lights as he looked at the screen, “Bhai?”

Surprised at the name that flashed on the screen and relieved at the same time that it was not Payal, Aakash leaned on the headboard as he brought the phone to his ears, switching on the bed-lights at the same time, barely awake and answered drowsily, “Bhai? Is everything alight?” He was slightly tense in anticipation of something unknown, late night phone calls always made him feel that way, this felt no different.

“How could you Aakash?” Arnav asked with a strained voice, his eyes fixed on the vast expanse of the ocean in front - the waves as they clashed with the heavy rains, focused and yet not really. It was like nature mimicking the chaos of his mind.

"Do what?" Aakash wasn’t exactly awake enough to put things together yet – not till Arnav’s next word anyway, "Khushi" and it was in the manner that Arnav spoke, Aakash knew right away – his sleep all but gone at once, he was wide awake suddenly, "You found Khushiji?" his excitement was palpable to Arnav at the other end.

"Found?” Arnav couldn’t believe his choice of word.

Aakash got up and paced his room nervously, "You did" and he felt like a weight of a thousand tons lifted off him. Sigh… “You found her” His relief could not be put into words; it was like handing over something…

"How could you do this Aakash?"Arnav’s hurt obvious in his voice, “You knew…everything…?” it was almost like he was trying to convince himself more than anything else, “For three years…” Arnav did not even want to think about why the search for Khushi had always reached a dead end in Mumbai at this point, “You lied… to all of us for three freaking years!...knowing everything?”And still there was no word at the other end.

Arnav asked impatiently “Aakash…say something dammit”

In contrast, Aakash spoke in a voice so detached that it stunned Arnav momentarily, "I did what I had to to…” but Arnav had questions, he wanted answers and there was no stopping him, "But…how…why?” Arnav asked impatiently unable to comprehend, Aakash was supposed to be on his side!

Aaskash knew this was going to be hard; his only saving grace was the truth and nothing else but the truth.

“I did what I had to…” it was as simple as that.

“How did it help anyone?” Arnav argued, “Your life is a mess…my life…she is living all alone in some god-forsaken place with a chit of a friend…and …”But he was interrupted by an agitated Aakash, “Do you every stop and consider what she wants Bhai? Why does it always have to be about you?”

That stumped Arnav alright, not just the words but the manner in which Aakash stood up for Khushi, he had never argued back in that manner before, “When you left her at the airport… you were not there to pick up the broken pieces…Khushiji is Payal’s sister, and I wasn’t going to let her …” Arnav lashed out before Aakash could complete his words, “She is my wife dammit” he hit the hand rail with his other hand in frustration.

“Funny you say that now…” Aakash interposed sarcastically “What about back then when you busy playing god instead?” Aakash closed his eyes trying to compose himself, he did not want to lose his temper now or say more than he needed to, “I’m sorry, the truth will hurt. But the fact is that you messed up. Admit it. And it messed up everything… most of all, Khushiji. Do you even have any idea what a mess she was back then?”

He did. He just didn’t need any reminders. Arnav knew everything – just did not know how to fix it. He remained quiet.

“I know this will hurt but when she walked out that day after she…” Aakash left out the sordid details of Shyam at this point, “Once she expressed her desire to walk out of the marriage… we had no way of stopping her. The truth tied our hands… we couldn’t hold her back even though we wanted to…but I couldn’t let her walk out just like that…she was family. Payal’s sister”

 “And my wife” Arnav repeated for a second time – the conviction in his voice faltering though with each revelation.

“Not according to her, she wasn’t”

Arnav remained silent as the words sank in - Aakash was not done yet, “Since Buaji cut off all ties with her after…” Aakash stopped to pause reflecting on that past, “So, I put her up at  your apartment …lying to her that it was mine” This was not a good memory for Aakash either, only he knew how hard it had been for him to keep things together back then, with everything falling around him.

“She was there?” to say this was shocking would be an understatement, “Why there?” Arnav asked.

“Because I knew, that’s the last place you’d look at” which was the truth, “But after signing the divorce papers, she did not want to stay back in the city. She wanted to move back to Lucknow but couldn’t go back there because…”

“Of everything I did to her there…”Arnav mumbled as waves of guilt hit him, he had made her life so miserable! Unable to take it all, he sank down on the balcony floor staring back at his empty living room dimly lit by the corner lamp, clutching onto the phone and listening into Aakash.

“Is that why you took over the Mumbai branch?” Arnav asked.

“What do you think?”

“You were looking out for her?”

“I couldn’t let her be alone…” Aakash said, “But she wanted to keep Payal away from all of this… I couldn’t let her be alone either” Aakash stared at his wedding picture that hung on the wall, his eyes focused on Payal and for a moment he lost himself there.

“Were you ever planning on telling me this?”

“Not unless Khushiji wanted me to” Aakash was very clear on this.

“Even if your marriage was on the rocks?” Arnav couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“Was?” Aakash interrupted, “A marriage at what cost?” raising an uncomfortable question to Arnav “My marriage was doomed to fail Bhai… the minute you shoved that…”

“Aakash…!” No he did not need a reminder of that night; when he had turned into a brute - Shaitaan, as she had coined.

“It was doomed to fail the moment you forced her …can’t you see. It doesn’t work that way, relationships don’t work that way…”

And suddenly all his faults came back to life, nagging away at him playing images in his mind on an endless loop till he had no choice but to succumb to the sheer intensity of that reality that stared back at him, grinding him till he accepted defeat. Arnav sat there staring back at his living room, with the sounds of the heavy rains behind him, lost in those thoughts and images from his past. 

Khushi...that crazy, silly, jalebi loving girl with braided hair and funky pom-poms…she who roamed the confines of his home flashing that goofy grin mocking him...and dancing away to glory...looking ravishing in all the colors she wore that night... scared, a nervous anticipation and that hint of a faint blush on her cheeks...Khushi all of that and happy...the fiery eyes that stood firm against him even as he had her cornered by the door, challenging her... the night of the sangeet. The eyes that sparkled in celebration…joy of victory…

And Khushi …the tepid who trembled…and wept, harried like her life was on the line…spoke barely but for a few words…and pleaded…Khushi, who held on to his hands with a tear stained face, creases of worry...trying to wipe away the weight of his accusations...why do you care? His heartless question was followed by a pause…That look... And her response, I care because it’s you! I cannot live like this knowing you think so low of me...her grip strong as ever as they held onto his wrist for life... Please hear me out....Arnavji...please don't go. Khushi, broken, dejected, in despair... in pain...lifeless. Pale…like all life had been sucked out of her…not the young or the vibrant…

"Bhai...? Are you there?" Aakash asked for the third time, Arnav had gone absolutely quiet at the other end making him worry, had he said too much? Too soon all at once?

"I'm here..." the response was bare, stripped of all pretence… just a man defeated and shamed at his own actions. The mirror that Aakash held up, reflected a man Aranv could only hate. How had he come to this?

Arnav felt like he was starring at defeat, he had ruined everything, all lives… everyone’s happiness and possibly killed his own chances of one too, he struggled with the right words, struggled because he realized, nothing he said would make any difference or change the reality, “Aakash…I..um…” he was truly lost, “Does anyone else know this?” Arnav asked, “Not even Payal?”

“You think, if Payal knew, Khushiji would still be all alone?”

“And you won’t tell Payal?” and it struck him, Arnav of another horror, “Does Khushi know of you two?”

“No…” Aakash had given this a lot of thought, but he couldn’t tell Khushi because knowing her, he’d be only asking her to make another uncomfortable choice. It wasn’t fair.

“And you won’t tell her?”

“I will not emotionally blackmail her … “the simple truth hurt Arnav.

“She deserves better, don’t you see? To do what she wants and live the life that she wants…. The only person who has the right to take decisions for her is her… not you, not me, nor Payal or anyone else for that matter”

“So you are willing to risk everything?” Arnav asked, “But not tell her?”

“May be this is the price we all have to pay for everything we made her go through” Arnav had to work really hard to keep his mind from drifting back to terrible night again, “So why now? “ Arnav asked hinting at the graduation invitation, “Why do you want me to find her now?”

“Because…I am tired” Aakash confessed, “I am tired of everything…this helplessness… I never realized trying to do the right things is so hard…”he ran his free hand through his hair almost in despair, “I’m tired of seeing everyone unhappy…and I just wish we could all be…and most of all because I am selfish too, I cannot do this anymore”

“Aakash…” Arnav had never seen this side of Aakash, this broken and beaten down, “ I miss Payal…and she is going through the most beautiful moment of our lives…and this is killing me… my hands are tied so I did the only thing I could, I pushed you towards her. May be this makes me selfish…”

“Knowing the risks I bring to her?”

Aakash did not respond to that right away, “Not like we have anything more to lose… and despite everything that’s happened, I still want to see you happy Bhai” he paused“Everyone deserves a second change …and you’re my brother. I want to see you happy”

Both of them remained silent for a while, it was Arnav who spoke “Will you ever forgive me? Can you” it was the closest he had come to an apology, it certainly surprised Aakash.

“It doesn’t matter whether I do”

“But…”

“Only one person’s forgiveness matters … provided you genuinely seek it for all the right reasons”

Arnav listened as Aakash spoke, “I just hope that if you can’t make her happy, just let her be… don’t make things worse than they already are”

“Aakash…I”

“I hope you do the right thing this time Bhai”  Arnav’s mind drifted back to a few hours ago, when he had stormed towards her in rage – demanding… yet again! He sighed, knowing how the right thing didn’t come naturally to him but all the wrong things did.