Part 5

"The brightest light casts the darkest shadow."

Present day – 

"No Lavanya, its got to be you" his voice was firm, "You are the public face of AR Designs, so you are in charge of the launch party"

"But ASR..." she didn't want to do this by herself - not because she couldn't but because lately she had been the one fielding questions about them; while he was safely ensconced in his sanctuary away from the prying media and rest of the gossiping world and she was simply tired of it.

"I can't deal with all those models throwing themselves at me anymore...so you are going, that's set"

"That's easy for you to say! And I'm done dealing with the press alone who are having a field day at our expense and Aakash rarely comes to these events...I don't know" she virtually whined at the other end of the phone but he would not relent, "Take someone with you..." a brief pause later, "Take Aman, let him handle the press"

"Are you sure you don't want to come?" she knew, once he was set in his mind nothing could change it.

Arnav sighed, "Lavanya, things are a bit of a mess right now..." he was distracted by his buzzing cell phone, "I have to take this call...will talk to you later" And he cut the line before Lavanya could get another word in.

"Yea Aman?"

"Sir, Anjaliji has not only made half the payment the last two months" 

"What charity does it go to?" 

"Sir..." there was a pause at the other end, "Someone cashes it at the other end...using an ATM card directly from her account" 

"Alright Aman" he had been happy about Di actively getting involved in charity work, as she had clubbed it. He knew the distraction would be a good thing for her given everything at home but of late, those numbers had gone down. And something about all this just did not add up, he had never given this much thought before but his instincts told him there was more to this, there had to be. 

When he was done with work, Arnav leaned back on this plush leather chair, and took out silver payal from his drawer.  Khushi never knew that he had bought back the Payal that she had pawned off for some cash. He had followed her and had been livid at the thought of her parting with it for money. But his ego had stepped right in as had his words which were a constant on those days, it's hard to give up on the perks of being Mrs. Raizada. He had blurted that out on more than one occasion mostly to rile her up so that she would respond to him but she never had. Not with words anyway. She did through actions, and as he stared at the piece of jewelry that was so close to her heart, he knew, they hurt more than words ever would. Her silence worked in ways, her words had failed. He knew, she never asked for a penny from him except the three hundred that she had taken on loan from him for Holi; the realization that he couldn't see that she had struggled to meet her daily needs for a brief time after marriage made didn't make him proud, he knew he had failed. As did the fact, that she kept on asking him why... if Shyam truly had been right...she should have known the truth. But then... he didn't like to reason anymore, she was gone. It was always easier to assume that she was guilty; he wasn't sure why but it made his guilt seem smaller. 

"Why did you do this Khushi?" he stared at the Payal in his hand, feeling its sharp edges between his fingers almost like he was trying to hold on to something...that past. A month into the marriage, he knew he had misread something and a fear had taken root at the back of his mind, fear that he had been haste in his actions and in his accusations. But every time he thought of reconciliation, Shyam would pop into the picture and mess with his mind. And in the fit of rage that inevitably followed, Khushi would be at the receiving end of his anger. At first, she fought and resisted but slowly he could see her sinking into despair and his revelation about the marriage truth on the terrace had virtually broken her spirit. He wasn't blind, he never had been especially when it concerned her. But you know, how you mess things so bad, you don't know where to fix it. He hated her silence on the days that followed, he wanted her to yell at him, fight him and deny his accusations but all he got was silence. The most he got were a few words, if you think so low of me, then you don't know me at all. Go ahead, and think what you will of me. I am done explaining. All this despite knowing, the woman could barely lie; Arnav didn't understand why he felt so angry at times or what fueled his anger. 

When that same silence had begun to eat his mind, he had escaped to London for a week, not before a final attempt to get her to talk. He only realized how harsh he had been once he had a chance to retrospect on the flight to London. But it was too late by then because when he came back Khushi was gone, and everyone at home had been expecting answers from him. The following weeks had been like hell, answering everyone at home, and at the Gupta House, but he had no answers, except the truth. It was ugly, and he hid a part of it, when he confessed, yes I forced her into this marriage by threatening to break Payal's marriage. No one had taken that well. For the sake of safeguarding that same marriage Khushi was trying to save, the Raizadas hid one part of the truth from Payal that day. That obviously did not work too well because eventually when she found out the entire truth courtesy Mami who accidently blurted out the entire truth in a moment of mami-madness, Payal walked out as well. 

Arnav had been so lost in his thoughts that he did not hear a scruffy looking Aakash walk into his cabin. 

"Bhai.." he gently tapped on his shoulders. 

"Aakash..." he looked up and pulled back the payal in his palm but not before Aakash had a glimpse of it. 

"You are back?" 

"Just got back from the airport", he flung his bag on the chair, "The deal in Mumbai is all set. I sent you the details over email. Have you gone over it?" and let out a sigh, as he plunked down on the comfortable sofa by the window, and called for some strong black coffee. 

"I had a look. I've asked Aman to make a few changes, he's looking into it" Arnav noticed the dark circles and this scruffy man who seemed like a sorry replica of Aakash living on a diet of caffeine and melancholy. He looked terrible, so Arnav got off his chair and went over to the sofa, "Why don't we get someone else to look after the Mumbai branch Aakash.." Arnav noticed Aakash did not stop looking out the window nor did he respond, "I met Payal in Lucknow..." Arnav got straight to the point as he did not know how to talk around it. 

"Let me guess..." Aakash looked at Arnav, "she refused to talk to you?" 

Arnav let out a small smile, "No...she just refused to..." 

"Come back home..." Aakash completed, he nodded. 

"Bhai...I respect you but please..." 

"Aakash, I can't stay out of it. It was my doing...and I feel horrible I've messed up your married life. I was at Sheesh Mahal and I just had to go there..." he trailed off, "I was..."

 "You were hoping to run into Khushiji, weren't you?" 

He stood up almost instantly and walked up to the window, "It's not like that..." 

Aakash walked up to him and spoke, "you know its okay to admit you miss your wife" 

"What!? No that's not what I was getting at..." Arnav responded defensively but Aakash beat him to it, "Says the man who has this in his hands..." and he unfolded the palm that still held the secret that Arnav hid from everyone...and for the longest time, from himself. 

"You know, it's never too late to ..." Aakash stopped mid way when Arnav glared back at him, "What? You a love guru now?" 

But that did not stop him, "No...but just once Bhai...forget everything,...all the pressures, all the pain...and just think of what makes you happy, keep it simple" 

--- 

At a local old age home, Khushi was engrossed in a conversation with a friend. 

"I love spending time here... you know" Khushi looked forward to their conversations every Sunday, when they talked about nothing and pretty much everything. After about a year of spending Sundays with her special friend, and the very therapeutic conversations, Khushi had finally started to feel like she was starting to reassemble the pieces of her life together. It had taken her a while to realize that you could run away from the entire world but none of that running made sense because you could never run away from yourself! Getting away had not been the hardest part while starting a new life had been easy but putting things back together emotionally had been a different matter and that's where this friend had been like a blessing in disguise. And that was why, she loved talking to him. 

His response did not reveal much but at least they shared a common interest "I love coming here too you know and being amongst everyone just listening to everyone... Let's just say that this place affords a sort of penance for me" He didn't elaborate further and she didn't want to sound too inquisitive. 

About fifteen minutes later, both of them didn't realize when the conversation veered off from him to her and to her ill-fated marriage. 

"Do you know what it takes to walk out of a life you thought was it?" 

"But you said, you weren't happy in that marriage?" He asked. 

"That's true...may be partly..." she stated pensively, "I was not happy but I was not sad entirely either. I would be lying, if I said, I never dreamt of that..." She responded avoiding his eyes, even as she twirled the spoon inside the mug. He looked at her intently at this point, almost as if he was trying to read her mind and study her body language trying to not miss a single cue that would give way her state of mind.

"Do you still miss him?" he had to know. 

That caught her off guard a little, he could see. And maybe there was truth in what she had just said but he needed to know this. 

"It's not just the question of missing him, I lost everything you know...I don't know where missing begins or where losing starts and where these two actually merge into one giant void which I feel is like eating me inside out. I hate how everything went silent in my life..." Khushi may have fought with Arnav and even preached him at times about his ways, but now she missed those clashes; and the growing resignation that the regular life devoid of that unique struggle which actually brought her to life ironically was perhaps not what she wanted after all. Sometimes you don't know what you want until you lose or let go of what you have, the hardest thing for her was knowing what she was letting go of and unable to stem that flow. 

"That's why you are constantly on the move and need to be occupied with something or the other, even on a Sunday; you are here instead of being at home. Khushi, what you have managed to do in these three odd years is no mean feat, you should be proud of yourself" 

She nodded half heartedly, "But I'm beginning to wonder, does any of this mean anything without them?" she looked at him expectantly, hoping to find answers but he looked on impassively and let her pour her heart out instead, "I miss them you know. My family. Jiji, Buaji, Babuji and even Mamiji. Coming here...being among everyone, it makes me feel good. I feel at peace here..." Khushi had always been a people person so it gave her immense joy to be surrounded by real people, and in this mad city and her new life, one fine day she woke up to realize that she was living in this void, like a person without its soul. It had slowly built up, starting with Khushi building a wall around herself, and her deepest self, shielding it from the rest of the world, that nasty world. And it spread through a transformation so gradual yet comprehensive almost like a withdrawal from being the person she was. When the colors of holi didn't bring a smile to her face, when music didn't reach her soul and make her feel like breaking into an impromptu jig but may be its never really possible to lose yourself entirely so the moment she declined a pass to a Salman Khan Movie premiere, and instead chose to sulk at home, the KKG behind her current mask made some very loud noise. And Khushi knew, she would have lost the battle if she lost herself in the process; there was no victory in that exactly like there was no joy in achieving things if you didn't have people you loved, people that loved you to share that with. In short, it hadn't been easy for Khushi, the person that she was. 

Ved gently tapped her on the shoulders, "Khushi..." making her jolt back suddenly, "I'm sorry" he apologized, "It looked like you were thinking about something, is everything okay?" 

She nodded still a little lost, he knew how much she missed her family, "Why don't you call them?" at this she looked up at him tentatively, "At least talk to your sister?" 

"That's not a good idea, I don't think it is. Buaji made it very clear when she shut that door on my face after the marriage and disowned me in front of everyone" 

"You still sound like you hold a grudge, I will be honest with you Khushi, I think you have not moved on entirely yet and the only way you will be able to do so, is if you let go of all that, and start with a clean slate. Wipe that past clean, then it will no longer hold you hostage, and hold you back. Holding on will only make you weaker. Let go and forgive them..." 

"You think it is easy to do that? You think I have not tried?" her voice dropped off, "I am trying every single day..." 

He smiled, "You think?" Their conversation was broken by the sound of his buzzing cell phone, "Hello...hey!" he looked at Khushi and got up, "I need to take this one...hold on a minute" 

"Sure" she nodded as she looked around the old age home, it was time to get to the kitchen and start preparing the lunch. 

"Vedji, I'm going to the kitchen, I didn't realize we had been talking for so long. If I don't start cooking now, Savitaji will start throwing a fit" 

By the time Ved returned to the kitchen, Khushi was already up and ready with the menu, "This looks good. What do you want me to do?" 

"Just sit there and talk to me...I cannot stand this silence" 

"What...I don't get to cook?" 

"No, not today you don't. I want to do this myself" 

"So what do I talk about?" he asked as he fiddled with his phone, and sat up on the kitchen counter. Khushi could see he was busy messaging someone on the phone; the look in his eyes could only mean one thing. 

"So who are you sending my secret recipe to Vedji?" 

"Recipe no...this is "he stopped with a sly smile playing on his lips, "Do you really want to know?" 

She knew this was coming, she had seen enough indications for a while now, the question was who was it, "yes please" she put down the spatula emphatically and turned towards him excitedly, "finally! Who is it Vedji?" 

"Who is it, what makes you think it's someone?" 

"KKG can sniff this sort of stuff out...I knew it, I knew you have been seeing someone for a while now..." 

He smiled as he got off the counter, "I...umm...got her this..." he took out a box from his pocket, and before he could open it, Khushi took it out of his hands and opened it, it was a diamond ring, "You are going to propose to her?...wow this is serious stuff then!" her excitement was palpable and very real, Ved found it endearing. 

"Since when does KKG says serious stuff?" he stood firm in front of her, his hands folded, and looked at her curiously. 

"Ever since she started hanging out with sophisticated people like you" for a fleeting moment he could see a spark of sorts in those eyes. 

"What do you think?" pointing towards the ring, "It's beautiful...now tell me who this is for? I cannot believe, you have brought a ring already, and I haven't even seen her yet!" 

"You will, very soon...very soon"

"Very soon? Meaning you aren't telling me now?" she pouted cutely, he noticed. He made a quick mental note to jot this down. He couldn't stop himself from patting her head gently, "There is a time and place for everything you know...for now your curry is simmering!" she was like this big kid, that he had grown fond of and genuinely felt protective of. 

She huffed making her annoyance fairly obvious and went back to tend to her food, "you know, I swear, if you don't tell me by the time the food is ready, I will make sure to add so much chilly in your portion..." 

He laughed, "You are cute...especially when you are angry...do you know your nose gets red, Rudolph?" he said casually as he left the kitchen to attend to yet another of his calls leaving behind a stunned Khushi, who could only think of one person and one person alone.  

---

A month ago. 

Seething with anger, Arnav barged into her room without knocking and demanded an answer, "What is this Di?" completely ignoring the fact that she was on the phone. 

When he saw that she did not respond to him right away, he took out the phone from her hand and spoke, "When I'm talking to you..."  And she took the phone right back, her voice was stern "No Chotte, when I'm on the phone, you wait!" his threats did not work on her because she could see through the various masks. 

He waited impatiently consumed with an inexplicable rage to break something, and when you are in that frame of mind, you lose the power of perception, "I will call you back...bye" her voice dropped a little, there was a hint of intimacy in her voice that Arnav did not notice. 

"What is it?"  and finally looked at him. 

He held the envelope in front of her face, "This?" 

"Well that's for you" 

"How long have you had this with you?" 

"For three years...she wanted me to give this to you" 

He sat down on the bed shocked, "Di you kept this from me?" 

Anjali looked at him and responded resolutely, "You kept certain things from me and I did

the same. Now we are even!"

There was some bitterness in her voice that he did not quite understand, "Di...I did everything for you" 

"And I did the same...for you" 

"How can you justify this?" his voice was loud and demanding now, "Khushi gave it to you three years ago and you are giving it to me now! And that's not the thing, it means, you were in touch with her...after...after" he couldn't quite bring himself to say it yet. 

"Yes...I was in touch with Khushi after she left you. There I've said it, what will you do now? Threaten me, like you threatened her too?" 

"Di..." 

"Don't try to act all innocent Chotte...I know what happened that night...and I've been ashamed ever since...to think that my brother could do such a thing...she had asked me to give this to you before she left...at the right time..." 

"And the time is right now?" he looked dejected and disappointed. 

"May be... I was wrong; there never is a good time for this. So might as well start now but seeing that you are moving on in life, all those page three rumors, maybe it is the right time" 

"Not again...lets not get it started on that again...don't try to distract me Di..." his grip on the envelope tightened, "So you know where she was?" 

"I did" To say he was shocked would be an understatement, he looked defeated. 

"How could you keep that from me?" 

"It was not my secret to keep Chotte, only one person has that right" 

"What is this?" he held up the sealed envelope between them. 

"That's for you to find out...why don't you open it?" 

And he did just that, and as expected, it was exactly what he did not want to see, divorce papers, signed Khushi Kumari Gupta Singh Raizada.

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