Every
ounce of his resolve was drawn out of him as he stared blankly at the paper in
his hand and tried to make sense of the word, that rung like a death
knell, divorce! It must have been a good few minutes before he
gained composure enough for the words to finally sink in and he felt gutted.
This is what he always said he wanted, at least to her, repeated it a thousand
times and hoped it would begin to sound true, and to his horror, she had taken
them at face value. By his own admission, he should have been liberated with
the key to freedom that he held, but he wasn’t; may be Khushi was right he
thought, you don’t have a heart, she had said on numerous occasions;
he was beginning to believe it was true. If only that was the last of his
troubles though, there was more waiting – and they tumbled out of the tipped
envelope one by one onto the floor by his feet startling him out of his sorry
daze; a bunch of filmsy stars had never felt so dear!
He saw
that there was one more piece of paper inside the envelope, it was a note, from
Khushi, he opened it with a strange dread. It started with –Dear Arnavji,
even though the first word had been scrapped off, he could make it out. He
couldn’t conceal his trembling hands from Anjali who studied him with
an unfaltering intensity.
By the time,
you get this envelope; I should be gone; gone from your room, your house and
your life for good. I know how much you have despised having to put up with
this ‘sham marriage’ in your words so it must be a welcome relief to have your
freedom, your life … and your peace of mind back.
When
you blackmailed me to give in that night, you did not leave me with many
choices. It’s done; I don’t want to dwell on that too much but I had promised
you that I would honor the commitment for six months; however that was until
you told me why you did what you did. I know there are still twenty more days
to go, but after knowing what you think of me, the other woman to your sister’s
life, my self-respect will ground to dust if I stay here anymore. So I’m sorry,
but I’m walking out before you stop me this time, and I’m sorry I cannot keep
my promise up. You do what you have to as I have done what I needed to.
You left
for London without waiting to hear my side of the story – I was distraught
initially but have since realized that perhaps that was in our best interests;
since I really have no words left to defend myself anyway. You pronounced
me guilty and condemned me to hell even without letting me know what my crime
was. I cried, I begged…and I bled for a chance…but you weren’t willing to give
me one. And so, I owe no explanations because it’s clear, you never really
wanted any in the first place!
So I’m
leaving! I changed your room back to as it was; and even though I
know you hated all those innocuous things that I had added to your space, I’m
leaving behind something for you. I’m leaving these stars behind;
when you feel alone they should remind you of your mother… I hope you keep them
safe because they will guide you…besides that is the only thing I can give you
knowing everything else that I can offer is useless to you.
And I
also leave behind those papers…div…I hope you found them. You bound me
that night, but I have set you free today - Stay happy, Arnavji.
Khushi
Kumari Gupta.
-----
“She had
no money!” He looked
up at Anjali, “where did she go to?” he looked distraught,
Anjali noticed it was genuine, “and her family disowned her” and with
that he sank on the floor. He realized losing her was not the worst that had
happened; things got progressively worse with every single blow after that.
“Where
did she go?” Arnav
kept on talking to himself, holding her letter in one hand trying desperately
to find one opening.
Anjali
rushed to him and tried to shake him off his daze, “Chotte…get a hold
of yourself…We aren’t going to go through this again!”
“Where is
she?” he looked
at her, “Do you even realize what you have done? Why didn’t you give
this to me earlier?”
Anjali
avoided his accusatory look, “Get up Chotte, and look at yourself”
He
shrugged her off, “So you won’t tell me?”
“What
good would talking about the past do?” she answered with a question of her own.
“She
thought nothing mattered, none of this…not the marriage…her. Did you let her
run away like a coward, did you Di?” he stared at her for answers.
“Why are
we even talking about this? ” she
stepped in front of him, ”I thought you would be happy about this Chotte,
now you are free”
“A damn
signature doesn’t change a thing!” he
swore under this breath, “You want me to get divorced? Is that it Di?”
he asked her.
“I want
you to be happy… I can’t see you living like a lifeless person. Can’t you see
there is no joy in your life!” her
eyes were beginning to well up.
“I don’t
care a damn…and if you want me to be happy, tell me why?” he insisted.
“I have
nothing else to say Chotte, I gave you what I had” she wiped the lone tear away but he was far
from convinced, he knew there was something very odd about her behavior, “You
are not telling me something Di…and you don’t plan on telling me either” he
ran his fingers through his hair helplessly, “you never did! I can’t
believe, of all the people. You di, you did this to me” his eyes
angrily bore into hers, “This after knowing everything?” he
screamed at her, “Why?” and clenched his fist in frustration.
She
avoided direct eye contact with him “I…er…I can’t” but
couldn’t stop her tears, her resolve was reaching a breaking point “Because
I owed that to her…” she finally let out a small opening, “She
suffered a lot because of me. Because of my…” and paused briefly,
“Khushiji deserves a second chance Chotte…”
He smiled
wrly,” What do you mean second chance?”
“Only she
has the right to decide what she wants, not anyone else…certainly not you
Chotte”
“She is
my wife” he shot
back at her.
“Well
about time, you remembered that. But learn how to treat one first” and with that she walked out of the room leaving a
stunned Arnav behind.
-----
That
night he had a dream – only it wasn’t a dream; it was a page from his life.
His mind
was not at peace, his thoughts constantly drifting off to Shantivan, images of
a despondent Khushi as she was being taunted by Mami, those burn marks on her
left arm sticking out like a sore thumb flashed in this eyes. And were followed
by those images from the terrace like a mandatory sweep of all good things; the
images of Shyam and Khushi in an embrace that had kept him in tenterhooks ever
since! The entire day felt like one torturous nightmare where he was distracted
by events at home and as a result work was interrupted by that sinking feeling
in the pit of his stomach; something no amount of distraction could keep at
bay. Was it his conscience gnawing away at him?
At least,
she is safe at Buaji’s place from Mami’s taunts where he had dropped her off
for one more rasam, he thought.
When he did return home that evening, things seemed normal. His family was having dinner, Payal was serving him and they barely acknowledged him, which had also been the norm since the hasty marriage. They had made it pretty clear, although no one really voiced it out explicitly, that they were not happy with the sudden turn of events. He was quick to note, Khushi was missing as usual from the group, which had also been the norm of late; treated like an outsider. It hit him that he was doing the same to her. She was being shunned from all sides, was that fair? But he didn’t dwell on it for long. It helped to not think about his faults, everything was wrong with the world, not him.
When he did return home that evening, things seemed normal. His family was having dinner, Payal was serving him and they barely acknowledged him, which had also been the norm since the hasty marriage. They had made it pretty clear, although no one really voiced it out explicitly, that they were not happy with the sudden turn of events. He was quick to note, Khushi was missing as usual from the group, which had also been the norm of late; treated like an outsider. It hit him that he was doing the same to her. She was being shunned from all sides, was that fair? But he didn’t dwell on it for long. It helped to not think about his faults, everything was wrong with the world, not him.
As he
began to walk up the stairs, Payal gave him a desperate look, and he had to
stop. She walked up to him gingerly, and spoke softly, “I hope...”, this was
obviously hard for her to balance everything knowing how everyone was pissed
off at Khushi…and yet she loved her, he knew “I hope Khushi was with you today”
And if the past few days had felt like hell, this felt nothing short of a greater fall.
And if the past few days had felt like hell, this felt nothing short of a greater fall.
“What
the…? I left her at Gupta house” the alarm in his voice drew everyone’s
attention even though they pretended otherwise.
There was
that first hint of trouble from Payal,”Khushi was kicked out from Buaji's
place, and she called you...to pick her up” and then it stuck her, “Oh my god!
Did she?
“What do you mean kicked out?” he deliberately ignored the last part of her question.
“Buaji disowned her Arnavji...” orphaned again the thought hit him hard, she carried on, “I couldn't stop them...but Khushi refused to talk...or tell us anything about the sudden elopement...” Payal mentally cursed herself and shot him a helpless glance before correcting herself, “marriage... and until she does, even Amma refuses to see her face or even acknowledge her”
“Khushiji is upstairs in her room, HP took her dinner up ten minutes ago”, Nani spoke without actually looking at either of them, even as she continued to eat her food, “Phatee Sari came back an hour ago, she should have just stayed back!” Mami chimed in only to be glared at by everyone in the room.
Arnav stormed into his room with a thousand thoughts running through his mind and that was the first time, his heart cracked a little – orphaned again! He stopped in his tracks and relief washed over him as he saw her - sitting at the corner of the deck by his plants, still in her morning clothes, all shriveled up and he could tell she had been crying. The plate of food, her dinner was laid out on the table, cold and untouched. Khushi looked nothing like the girl full of life that had danced at the Sangeet only a few days ago!
“What do you mean kicked out?” he deliberately ignored the last part of her question.
“Buaji disowned her Arnavji...” orphaned again the thought hit him hard, she carried on, “I couldn't stop them...but Khushi refused to talk...or tell us anything about the sudden elopement...” Payal mentally cursed herself and shot him a helpless glance before correcting herself, “marriage... and until she does, even Amma refuses to see her face or even acknowledge her”
“Khushiji is upstairs in her room, HP took her dinner up ten minutes ago”, Nani spoke without actually looking at either of them, even as she continued to eat her food, “Phatee Sari came back an hour ago, she should have just stayed back!” Mami chimed in only to be glared at by everyone in the room.
Arnav stormed into his room with a thousand thoughts running through his mind and that was the first time, his heart cracked a little – orphaned again! He stopped in his tracks and relief washed over him as he saw her - sitting at the corner of the deck by his plants, still in her morning clothes, all shriveled up and he could tell she had been crying. The plate of food, her dinner was laid out on the table, cold and untouched. Khushi looked nothing like the girl full of life that had danced at the Sangeet only a few days ago!
She did
not notice him.
“Where the hell where you?” he needed to blame her to atone his own.
He walked over to her and stood in front of her.
“What do you care?” Khushi stood up, “You are the one responsible for the mess my life has become” she wiped the tears by the back of her hand.
“Tell me where you were?” he was relentless.
“No” And she was adamant.
“No?” he walked closer but she wasn’t intimidated; everything was building up an inexplicable rage within him, this situation, her sorry state, the voices in his head…and the images of her with Shyam, was she with him, that devil in his soul planted the seed of doubt in his mind, yet again.
“No. Tell me why you forced me to marry you first”
He retreated, as did the look in his eyes.
“Fine go - run away like you always do” the dismissive gesture of her hands were accentuated by the unnatural sway of her body,” I don’t really expect anything from you anyway” she was struggling he could see, “...anymore” The last word came out as a whimper, he did not wait for her to finish because he was quick to walk towards her and hold her before she fell to the floor. Arnav stared at the lifeless body of his wife as he held her like she was the most precious thing in the world to him, if only she could see – if only he would let her!
And it was over.
“Where the hell where you?” he needed to blame her to atone his own.
He walked over to her and stood in front of her.
“What do you care?” Khushi stood up, “You are the one responsible for the mess my life has become” she wiped the tears by the back of her hand.
“Tell me where you were?” he was relentless.
“No” And she was adamant.
“No?” he walked closer but she wasn’t intimidated; everything was building up an inexplicable rage within him, this situation, her sorry state, the voices in his head…and the images of her with Shyam, was she with him, that devil in his soul planted the seed of doubt in his mind, yet again.
“No. Tell me why you forced me to marry you first”
He retreated, as did the look in his eyes.
“Fine go - run away like you always do” the dismissive gesture of her hands were accentuated by the unnatural sway of her body,” I don’t really expect anything from you anyway” she was struggling he could see, “...anymore” The last word came out as a whimper, he did not wait for her to finish because he was quick to walk towards her and hold her before she fell to the floor. Arnav stared at the lifeless body of his wife as he held her like she was the most precious thing in the world to him, if only she could see – if only he would let her!
And it was over.
He woke
up sweating profusely calling out her name, Khushi! Arnav blinked
his eyes adjusting to the darkness, an empty room devoid of light. It was the
same recurring nightmare again, only this was real and very much from his past.
He threw
away the blanket, and turned down the air conditioning and then his battered
heart broke a little more because he saw her shivering in the cold. On impulse,
he switched of the ac and walked over to the window staring at Khushi, his
wife, Mrs. Arnav Singh Raizada sleeping outside like a homeless person, how had
things turned so bad? He looked up at the sky, and there were no stars, fitting
he thought, not something his mother would have been proud of anyway. When he
looked back at the deck, it was empty – Khushi wasn’t there. He rubbed his
eyes, and walked to his closet to take out Khushi’s diary, it was time to read
it.
---
A flight
that took her far away~
Arnav looked out the window to see the city bathed in the effervescent rays of the early morning sun; pastel shades with the hint of burnt sienna, the buildings, domes, cold glass boxes and scattered tiny homes, streets and the never ending tree lines and people sparse but still there within this veil - his city, waking up to a new day was always a serene sight. As the plane ascended higher, the streets blurred into inscrutable squiggly lines, the buildings merged together into one blob till you could no longer distinguish the solid from the void. He looked away, when it was just a blanket of cloud outside and a disconnect from all that everything beyond represented. This disconnect he loved because it was here that he'd finally feel free, that these streets provided at every turn, what every knukkad with its own unique story, tiny trinkets and inconspicuous pani puri stalls inevitably drew him into, this vortex that converged at her, and only her. The last images as she pleaded him outside the terminal building, urging him to give her a chance.
Every flight he took out of his city took him out of that rigmarole and routine he had been tied in, good memories he had been a captive to and only this solitude provided him wings momentarily to fly, free of all the emotional baggage that plagued his battered heart. But the good was enveloped by the bad that had literally begun to haunt him. Of late, the doubts in his mind had magnified by a thousand times. Little things he had overlooked like why didn’t Khushi know why she was forced into this marriage, hadn’t Shyam told her? Was starting to bug him no ends! Why would Khushi attempt to take her life if she loved Shyam!? Thoughts that were dangerously playing with his sanity, he needed to get away from her to sort out his head because something did not fit somewhere, and a big part of his heart and head told him that he had erred but of course, that was too big a blunder to accept right away and the fallout - the consequences of his hasty actions had played out every day for the past five odd months, the mistake if true would be colossal. So he wasn’t sure if he was ready to accept it yet. And yet, it looked inevitable, inevitable that perhaps, he Arnav Singh Raizada had been wrong about Khushi Kumari Gupta. And quite frankly, that gave him the jitters. So he did what he knew best, he ran away from Shantivan on the pretext of work, off to London even as she pleaded him not to. His last words to her were the harshest yet, wanting out of this marriage, which was not entirely true.
One thing was clear in his head, upon his return, he would try and make amends, not sure how or where to start but he knew he had to begin somewhere. It was obvious, that Shyam was the one who was after Khushi and it was not a mutual thing. Their moments of passion, few and far between had convinced him that Khushi had not been putting on a show, not now and not back then. He had been blinded by rage and had overstepped the lines of decency and had made a blunder. It was best not to think about the past few months, he tried to anyway, it was always better that way.
Yes, their ‘sham marriage’ had been short-lived and yes, it had been a mess. But there had been days when their individual guards had slipped and each had given in to some unexpected intimacy that living in such close quarters virtually guranteed; a few tender moments that brought out the real feelings before they had been abruptly masked owning to circumstance. It was those moments, few and far between that had given him the strength to go on and believe in her and now the idea of them together.
When the flight was comfortably on course, he took out the diary from his coat pocket and placed it on his lap, his fingers traced her words, 101 ways to annoy LaadGoverner, somehow that had ended up in his bag and now he was seriously tempted to go through it. His smile was fleeting because that was the only saving grace, everything else was something else. Some things were like nightmares that followed you everywhere, where ever you went; especially when they weighed on your conscience.
Arnav looked out the window to see the city bathed in the effervescent rays of the early morning sun; pastel shades with the hint of burnt sienna, the buildings, domes, cold glass boxes and scattered tiny homes, streets and the never ending tree lines and people sparse but still there within this veil - his city, waking up to a new day was always a serene sight. As the plane ascended higher, the streets blurred into inscrutable squiggly lines, the buildings merged together into one blob till you could no longer distinguish the solid from the void. He looked away, when it was just a blanket of cloud outside and a disconnect from all that everything beyond represented. This disconnect he loved because it was here that he'd finally feel free, that these streets provided at every turn, what every knukkad with its own unique story, tiny trinkets and inconspicuous pani puri stalls inevitably drew him into, this vortex that converged at her, and only her. The last images as she pleaded him outside the terminal building, urging him to give her a chance.
Every flight he took out of his city took him out of that rigmarole and routine he had been tied in, good memories he had been a captive to and only this solitude provided him wings momentarily to fly, free of all the emotional baggage that plagued his battered heart. But the good was enveloped by the bad that had literally begun to haunt him. Of late, the doubts in his mind had magnified by a thousand times. Little things he had overlooked like why didn’t Khushi know why she was forced into this marriage, hadn’t Shyam told her? Was starting to bug him no ends! Why would Khushi attempt to take her life if she loved Shyam!? Thoughts that were dangerously playing with his sanity, he needed to get away from her to sort out his head because something did not fit somewhere, and a big part of his heart and head told him that he had erred but of course, that was too big a blunder to accept right away and the fallout - the consequences of his hasty actions had played out every day for the past five odd months, the mistake if true would be colossal. So he wasn’t sure if he was ready to accept it yet. And yet, it looked inevitable, inevitable that perhaps, he Arnav Singh Raizada had been wrong about Khushi Kumari Gupta. And quite frankly, that gave him the jitters. So he did what he knew best, he ran away from Shantivan on the pretext of work, off to London even as she pleaded him not to. His last words to her were the harshest yet, wanting out of this marriage, which was not entirely true.
One thing was clear in his head, upon his return, he would try and make amends, not sure how or where to start but he knew he had to begin somewhere. It was obvious, that Shyam was the one who was after Khushi and it was not a mutual thing. Their moments of passion, few and far between had convinced him that Khushi had not been putting on a show, not now and not back then. He had been blinded by rage and had overstepped the lines of decency and had made a blunder. It was best not to think about the past few months, he tried to anyway, it was always better that way.
Yes, their ‘sham marriage’ had been short-lived and yes, it had been a mess. But there had been days when their individual guards had slipped and each had given in to some unexpected intimacy that living in such close quarters virtually guranteed; a few tender moments that brought out the real feelings before they had been abruptly masked owning to circumstance. It was those moments, few and far between that had given him the strength to go on and believe in her and now the idea of them together.
When the flight was comfortably on course, he took out the diary from his coat pocket and placed it on his lap, his fingers traced her words, 101 ways to annoy LaadGoverner, somehow that had ended up in his bag and now he was seriously tempted to go through it. His smile was fleeting because that was the only saving grace, everything else was something else. Some things were like nightmares that followed you everywhere, where ever you went; especially when they weighed on your conscience.
Like that
look in her eyes as she pleaded him not to go, she had asked him to stay back
and believe her words. She had tried everything possible to tell him that he
had been wrong, wrong in his assumptions, hasty in his actions but he had stood
firm and defied her words, and broken her yet again, as a parting shot. He held
on to her diary for the entire duration of that flight only to put it back in
his pocket at the end, he wasn’t going to go through that this way.
---
Present
day
Khushi
still knew the number like the back of her hand; it wasn’t until her fourth
attempt that she finally decided to call. To her great chagrin, no one picked
up at the other end, it was eight in the morning, why isn’t anyone picking up,
she wondered?
An then
just as she was about to hang up, someone was at the other end.
“Hello…”
“Jiji…”
“Khushi?”
There was
no response from the other end, “Khushi, is that you?” the air
of excitement was palpable even though they were separated by miles,“Khushi,
talk to me” Payal urged her to speak.
And
finally she did, “Jiji…how are you?”
---
About the
same time, Arnav’s secretary placed letters on his desk; one of them did not
have a return address.
We are all little imperfections trying desperately to fit into an imperfect world
So much pain. So much emotion. Superb chapter
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