Part 27

“Orphaned” he never heard the words that came after that nor did he pay heed to the stream of faces that flitted in those days. He didn't want any sympathy and was annoyed at why random strangers were butting into his life now, what right did they have? They moved on but that one word haunted him for a long time. In ways he hadn’t seen coming. He had questions, he asked them too but life gave him no answers. Overtime it got easier, as the pain ebbed away into the darkest recesses of his heart, hidden from the world to see; and time put a blanket over his wounds - he was free to walk around pretending he was fine. Until the winds would pick up, and move things around ruffling old feathers and exposing the raw hurt underneath, so very palpable. It did not take him long to understand that the easiest way was one where the past did not exist. When it ceased to exist, so did the pain. So he boxed the pain and hid it where no one would ever find it. And from the ashes of that painful past of what had once been his parents in flesh and blood emerged Arnav Singh Raizada. Arnav Malik died at his parents' funeral.

Senior Malik had become infamous in death. Barely a week ago, had they been a family. Eagerly planning and awaiting his sister’s marriage, those were happier times. Times which were a different lifetime away, times unmarred by the bloodshed of the following week, time so cruelly derailed, forever. Now the family was torn to pieces, riddled with gaping bullet holes that would forever bleed leaving an eternal wound to torment his soul.

The first few moments, that day and that week had been the hardest. Arnav had refused to look anyone in the eye. But by the end of the prayer meet, his heart had undergone a transformation, hardened into stone as the new found reality if his life dawned on him. Son of a philanderer, who unable to face his guilt killed himself. That single bullet had also killed his innocence forcing him to grow up. It could have been a scene out of a bad Bollywood movie, except it wasn’t, it was his life.

Eventually it did get easier and he along with his sister moved on. It was even more difficult for her, and had taken him and Nani months to bring her out of the trauma. Patiently, they picked up the pieces and rebuilt their lives. In an ideal world, she would have been married and starting a new life with her husband, and instead she had to mourn her parent’s death, her own stilted marriage lost in the tragedy. 

“She was a weak woman” HIs grandmother’s lack of sympathy towards his mother stung him; he tried fighting too but in vain, maybe he was too small and therefore too insignificant. But he resented his Grandmother for a long time after that. She blamed his mother squarely for his father’s affair. Dadi was missing after that. He had not seen her since. He spent years trying to make sense of her desertion but in the end, he realized it didn’t matter trying to make sense of it. The past was gone, it didn’t exist. And she was part of that past. Over time the hatred slowly faded to the point that it didn’t matter or affect him anymore because she didn’t.

Arnav didn’t know that he had lost their ancestral home until a year later when he accidentally over heard Manorama Mami talking to his Mamaji, “Hello hi bye bye, no mentions of Lucknow. I want ArnavBabbua happies here” she may have had her faults but she loved him and had never shied away from her responsibility towards him and Anjali di, she had never differentiated between Aakash and him. Arnav was grateful for this family he had. 

So why now? He couldn't believe the timing of it now, his eyes on the empty road as he sped through just like all the thoughts that were running through his head. His past had come in a collision course with his present. Nothing good could ever come out of it. This, he rued wasn’t part of the plan - Why did she have to resurface now? Finally when he was starting to make things right with Khushi, when he wanted to move ahead with her - Dadi came along blowing the cover and stirring the scars of his past. So he had done what he knew best, bolted from there. He had nothing to say to her.

Khushi had come after him pleading him to stop but he did not, he couldn’t, ‘Arnavji wait!’ But not now. Not like this, when he was at his weakest. What could he possibly tell her, would she even understand, a part of him now feared what the revelation meant for them?

~~~

“Pick up the phone Arnav ji” Khushi clutched the cell phone anxiously and closed her eyes in frustration when there was no response at the other end, “Where are you?” she called out worriedly, her eyes drifting to the world outside moving about frantically. The city was huge, always a crowd a humanity surrounding you, moving about their lives - and yet, there was only one that mattered. So very alone even while surrounded by a million people!

“Mohanji, can you please take me to AR?” but Arnav wasn’t there. They drove to Mama’s Kitchen – parking the car where his used to be parked all the times he’d visit or simply stop by to look at her, she had noticed. Then they went to his apartment only to be told, he wasn’t back, his car nowhere around. Khushi had no idea where to even look for him. And then it hit her, what if? “No, no, no, Shyam?” a cold chill ran down her spine at his thoughts, “no Arnav ji was fine” She prayed that Devi Maiyaa keep him safe.

Thoughts were treacherous, they flitted in and out of memories at their convenience Khushi learnt as her own worried mind wandered back and forth between the past and the present, there was a time when he had gone berserk once he’d found her. 

“Look at me when I’m talking to you dammit!” his words that day at the temple where he'd found her hiding, “I won’t go home with you” she had been adamant, “Don’t push me Khushi" he was livid.

“Is this man troubling you?” a stranger had intervened infuriating him further; “She’s my wife and I’m taking her home, does anyone have a problem?” he had declared to the world contrary to his own words. Tender one moment and then a beast another, she could never understand the man, until today.

And now he was missing.

Just last week, he had told her what she had wanted to hear for years now.

“I came to take you home” so much sincerity and honesty in those eyes, “Because I love you” his confession was the most unexpected. Trust the man to spring surprises like that. His voice still boomed in her ears, “Because I love you… I love you….love you”

“I…” Khushi whispered, but stuttered, her response didn’t mean a thing if he wasn’t around. The thoughts of a missing Arnavji paralyzing her with worry as another wave of memories crashed down upon her.

“Arnav ji, please don’t go like this?” Shd held his hands pleading through her eyes, "Please listen to what I have to say" he did stop and wait that day but, "Shyamji..." the mention of him and that coldness was back in his eyes. He pried her hands away from his and shot her a contemptuous glance, "If you go away like this….I won't be able to breathe” her heart crumbled into a million tiny pieces that moment, couldn't he see? 

"Why Khushi, why does it matter?" he asked, his eyes were red too. 

"Because it’s you” couldn’t he understand? May be he was beyond caring. He walked away without sparing another glance and she walked away from his life. That was then.

And he did it again, walked out on her evoking all those unpleasant memories right back. Just like that day, Khushi had run after him, willing him to stop, "Please wait…” but he chose not to. He walked away like he had done years ago.

When you are worried, your mind plays tricks and you chose to believe the worst of things. And if you have had a bad experience once, the mind inevitably finds ways to convince you that it will happen again, that in fact, its happening one more time. Was he walking out for good, again? Just like last time.

“Khushi Bhaabhi, where do you want to go now?” a genuinely concerned Mohan looked back through the rear view mirrior awaiting further instructions. He could see the lines of worry on her face; Khushi Bhaabhi was special to everyone at Shantivan. Everyone secretly hated Arnav Bhaiya for letting her go. 

His words did not reach her ears though lost as she was in her thoughts, of a thousand worries over a missing Arnav ji. It was the shrill of her cell phone that finally broke the spell, Khushi didn’t wait to check out the caller, “Helloo Arnavji?” she asked enthusiastically, "Um…it’s me Khushi” Deeya spoke at the other end, sensing trouble with Khushi’s tone, she asked, “Is everything alright?”

The conversation with Deeya was just what she needed, guiding her towards the right direction. Khushi walked out towards the front lobby of Arnav’s building demanding an entry into his apartment, “I’m sorry, you are not authorized to enter Mr.Raizada’s flat” the security guard politely refused. But Khushi wasn’t having any of that, “How dare you refuse me?” Mohan had never seen her so agitated, “Please try to understand. I cannot go against the rules” They argued back and forth, the guard refused to budge.

"It's an emergency" Khushi tried to make him see sense, "I need to find out..." She needed to rule out the apartment concerned that he might have fallen unconscious, he was a diabetic and his eating habits were always a cause for concern.

"I'm sorry Ma'am" the guard replied, "That rule applies for families only" he was not ready to concede. 

Khushi snapped,"Fine then” she glared at the hapless guard, an awestruck Mohan stared at this transformed Khushi Bhabhi rattle the poor security officer into an absolute shock, “When he learns that you refused to let his wife into his apartment, god save you” She could not believe what she just said, “Wife?” it worked, he mellowed down considerably, “But…” he paused, his voice suddenly faltered betraying his words, “I need to confirm” he picked up the handset and took out a big ledger like document and dialed a number, “What did you say your name was Maam?” he asked.

“Khushi” she said, “Khushi Arnav Singh Raizada” she hated herself for the way she blatantly lied but there was no other way. Divorce was an unpleasant fact of her life, one that she didn’t need reminders of. But Arnav was missing here, nothing else was more important. 

“Maam, I have a Mrs. Arnav Singh Raizada demanding an entry into Arnav Sir’s apartment” he spoke looking at Khushi but his ears cued into the receiver, “Who?” the lady asked from the other end, “His wife Maam” he paused before clarifying, “Khushi..?” he looked at Khushi for confirmation, “Says she is Khushi Arnav Singh Raizada” Clearly his call had surprised the receiver but he didn’t have time to dwell on that. He wasn’t a happy chap, it wasn’t nice being a six foot something security guard and having to concede defeat to a five foot something petite woman, sometimes he hated his job.

“I’m sorry” he mumbled, “I’ll get you the keys, please wait here” he walked into the front office. 

Meanwhile, an innocuous call had virtually brought life back to Shantivan, “Nani…” Anjali screamed at the top of her voice alarming everybody at home. In no time, they all came running towards her gathering at the living room, “Bhat happens Anjali Bitiya?” an eager Mami asked her, “You will never guess what just happened” her eyes sparkled with joy, Nani could read her like the back of her mind, it had to do with Arnav and judging by her demeanor, it had to be something good, “Kya hua Anjali?” she asked, “I just got a call from Mumbai” she spoke, “Mrs. Arnav Singh Raizada demanded an entry to Chotte’s apartment”

“Haawww” Mamiji disrupted Anjali’s excitement, “Arnav Bitua married again in Mumbai? she panicked.

“Relax Mamiji” a beaming Anjali quickly moved across to calm her down and smiled at Nani, “It’s Khushi Bitiya isn’t it?” she asked, Anjali nodded before calling out everyone, “This calls for a group hug Nani”

“Looks like Chotte found Khushi Bitiya” Nani had tears in her eyes, now she wanted nothing more than to welcome them both back home, “Its only a matter of time Nani” Anajli wiped the tears away. 

~~~

Khushi paced the living room back and forth, the dark starless sky mirroring her worried heart. So much had happened today, so many revelations, Mrs. Malik was Arnavji’s Dadi? But Arnav was a Raizada. There were questions, had he discarded his father’s name? May be.

“His father shot himself two days later” Mrs. Malik’s words kept playing on loop, “His mother killed himself” 

That had to be it, Khushi mused. Had the past colored his perception at the terrace causing him to react in the way he had, clouding his judgement that night? There had been a spring in her steps when she'd gone up the steps, excited, anxious about what lay ahead. The week leading up to it had been nothing short of a fairytale, one where Arnav was really the prince. Until, things turned in their heels in the terrace, then he nipped that flowering bud and crushed it, hearts got broken and lives were shattered. Things made sense now, his reaction which had culminated in their marriage, his hesitancy for the longest time to spill the truth and the tortured countenance he held for the longest time during their brief marriage. Then there were those unguarded moments when she saw Arnav but they were few and far between, our hearts beat as one. She wasn't drugged by bhang that she wouldn't remember, but his denial afterwards felt like she'd been iced. It was a harsh reminder to not ever dream along those lines. Just when she felt things were getting better, he spilled the truth which felt nothing short of lashings on her soul, how could he think that way, did he know nothing of her?

"I will not let you break my sister's marriage" he was back to being the cold hearted beast in no time.

Strangely as she waited for him, at his luxurious apartment anxious and fraught with worry regarding his safety, deliberating on the events of yesterday, she did not feel as bitter. May be the revelation had helped to an extent because despite everything they had been through and lost, she wanted to be nowhere else at this moment.She could lie to others but denial was no longer an option. The need to be with him at his hour of need outweighed everything else. 

"where are you Arnavji?" the sea breeze felt chilly forcing her to cross her arms. In his absence even the simmering city lights had lost their sparkle, nothing felt the same. She walked back inside the apartment and plonked herself on the couch, tired, frustrated, worried and annoyed as hell at him for putting her through it. It wasn't long before she drifted into an uneasy sleep.

“Because I love you” the winds whispered into her ears jerking her up from her light nap. Khushi blinked her eyes adjusting to the lights, straightened herself on the couch and picked up her phone, it was well past mid-night. A fresh bout of panic coursed through her, why wasn't he home yet? Where was he? Khushi paced about the room nervously, trying to remember something, anything that could lead her to him or provide an opening. Who was the one person that knew more about Arnavji than anyone else? And then it occurred, “Of course" her shoulders relaxed, "Amanji!" 

It was late, but Aman was the PA and this was an emergency, she was about to call him when she heard a sound and halted. Her ears perked up trying to discern the source of the sound, and her eyes moved to the front door noticing the knob rotate, the door slowly flung open - Arnav staggered in.Clueless of the anxiety he had unleashed, oblivious to the pair of eyes staring at him from across the room, clueless of the relief that washed over her knowing he was safe.

He stopped instinctively alarmed when he noticed a shadow on the floor but his eyes softened appreciably on seeing her, “Khushi” he whispered, a small smile replaced the scowl he had walked in with. As if on their own accord, he moved towards her, grateful that she wasn’t here for real, he would hate for her to see him this way. Khushi stood still studying his movements carefully, they weren’t the strides of a confident man but was he? Her suspicion was confirmed by the strong smell of alcohol as it wafted through the air and hung over them. Gone was the man who had walked in the morning - fresh and cheerful, even the slight stubble or the slight smile couldn’t hide the sadness in those eyes, she had never seen him this way. Not even during the darkest hours of the times they'd spent together!

He stood there looking at her, edges of his lips curling into a slight smile – his eyes taking in everything, that face, those eyes, her nose that went red every time he came close, even the mole next to her nose and her lips, “Khushi…” softly this time, “You are here” he said as he raised his hands, running a finger on her forehead before tucking the errant hair strands behind her ear. Catching her chin between his thumb and index finger, he lifted it slightly forcing her to look into his eyes. His touch was soft, unhurried, his gaze even softer but one that held her captive, “you came…” he leaned in closer, so close that his alcohol laden breath slammed against her face. He blinked once, twice before caressing her cheek slowly, "you are beautiful" stilling as his fingers grazed her lower lip slowly parting it, his eyes attuned to every fine detail. Then he looked up at her eyes, and then back down on her trembling lips again.

“Arnavji aap...you are drunk...." She meant to say but he silenced her at "Arn..." His finger singed her with the slightest of contact, "Shhh…” he breathed in huskily and without warning slid his fingers through her hair bringing her face closer before slamming his lips onto hers. His other arm quickly snaked around her waist and held her by the small of her back as he pulled her to himself. She tried to push him away but she was no match for his strength; his lips so urgent and desperate, drugged her giving her no choice but to give in to that desperation. If he was drowning, she was his only anchor, she wouldn't let him drown. Succumbing to the moment, Khushi wound her arms around his neck and pulled him in closer kissing him back with the same ardor, Arnav stilled at her response, this was no dream! His body stiffened immediately and he pushed himself off her. His hands still resting on waist, he blinked as he scrutinized her face, his face ashen,"you are really here" an alien vulnerability pooled in his eyes and he finally let go reluctantly, staggering back, as if he was burnt by his own impulsiveness. He had vowed not to push her. He moved back creating space between them taking away the warmth, leaving her bereft. 

"Khushi please" he raised his hand as if calling for truce and turned away not wanting to face her, "I shouldn't have..." Only succeeding to infuriate her further. She walked right up to him, held him by his arm and in one abrupt but swift motion whirled him around sharply, “Where do you think you are going?"

“I don’t…” he slurred and had to steady himself by leaning against the side of the sofa, “Arnavji" she reached up to steady him but he jerked her hand away, “I don’t want…” and began to saunter towards his bedroom. 

Khushi followed him right back, “Fine go…run away like you always do” the words hit home, even now when he wasn’t fully in his senses, “I’m not ..” he sighed, “You shouldn’t be here right now Khushi” his voice was low as he spoke with his back to her. Her eyes followed the movement oh his hands as he dumped his cell phone and keys on the bed, “I’m where I need to be” she too could play this game. If he was stubborn, she was no less. 

“And why is that?” he turned around suddenly and held her by her shoulders tightly, she flinched but did not complain, “I thought you wanted me to come home?” she asked and his grip on her arms slackened before falling through, “My head…” he scrunched his eyes and rubbed his forehead, “Khushi...I" he was clearly in pain.

“You have a headache, sit down” she forced him onto the bed, “I’ll get you something” her eyes narrowed at him, “And after that we need to talk” she said. He nodded absentmindedly, she wasn’t sure whether he heard her. She had never seen him drunk, ever! She had no clue how to deal with one either.

When she was back from the kitchen with a glass of water, the man had fallen asleep diagonally on the bed. Khushi took in the view from the doorstep halting momentarily before walking in and placing the water on the side table, “Khushi…” he mumbled incoherently alarming her but what she saw next knocked the air right out of her lungs, a tiny slither of silver had just escaped the confines of his closed fist. Khushi leaned in trying to get a closer look. A loud gasp escaped her lips as she recognized it, "Is that my...?"

His hold was tight but she needed to know so drew it out of his grasp slowly tugging it from that end, how did he find this? She looked at the inebriated man on the bed and back at the silver payal in her hand trying  desperately to discern what it meant. The simple knowledge that he had this with him all this time warmed her heart immensely and she found herself staring at the sleeping man before her almost reverentially taking in her fill. In the past, it was unguarded moments like this, when he couldn’t see her – that she would look at him, the man who was her husband trying to understand him, his actions. She would come up empty handed every single time. Time had come a full circle though and today armed with the knowledge of that horrific past, she could finally read the lines of worry on that face and discern the vulnerability of those eyes. For this to work, for them, to ever work - he would have to let her in, not shut her out. Would he do it? She wondered, lost in those thoughts running her hand through his hair brushing the errant strands off his forehead. For today, she was content to see him safe, everything else could wait.

He certainly wasn't the lad governer when he slept, he was just Arnav - the boy who made her heart race a million miles and back, she looked at him wistfully before deciding he looked better with scrambled hair, she loved to mess up the sense of order. Before leaving, she placed the payal back in his now open palm looping it around his ring finger thereby securing it in place, it belonged to him now. 

She didn't know how long she sat at the edge of the bed looking at him sleep, walking away only when sleep beckoned her, "Good night" she whispered before closing the bedroom door and walking out to the living room. She too fell into a dreamless slumber in no time satisfied that Arnavji was safe.