Part 23

Part 23

Ten minutes later, Khushi was still starring at the food on the plate, she wasn't scared per say but the idea of him being out there unnerved her slightly. It couldn't be anyone else, she wasn't important enough for random strangers to start stalking her. It felt like deja vu again, everything was coming back, at breakneck speed.

"Khushi, its getting cold" Arnav spoke hoping to snap her out of her troubled daze, "Khushi..." he spoke again, her excruciating silence and the faraway look in her eyes scarred him. When he did not get any response from her, he leaned towards her and flicked her nose gently and it did the trick as she looked at him a little startled, "What?" and immediately jerked away finding him too close for comfort. Why can't this man keep his hands to himself!

He looked at her plate and then back up to her teasingly, "I thought food was your best friend?" Hoping he could irk her enough to keep her distracted, Arnav set about doing just that, "What?" there was a frown on her face, "Its Italian food" he said, had he missed something?

She shrugged taking him by surprise.

"But you are a professional chef in an Italian restaurant?" he said, you don't cook that stuff day in and day out if you don't like it, he meant to say. Why else would you specialize in this cuisine? He wanted to know.

"So? Are you saying a butcher has to eat meat all the time?" he nearly choked on the pasta as the incredulity of her words hit him and then for the first time in many days he smiled because Khushi was beginning to sound a little crazy which was actually a good sign, so he decided to meddle with her mind further, "You know Khushi, my first instinct after finding out you were a professional chef would have been to scour all the sweet shops in Mumbai..." he deliberately left out the last part knowing very well Khushi would fill in the blanks.

"What do you mean?" Her head snapped up and for a moment he saw that familiar spark back, would she take the bait? He wondered and when she spoke next, he knew she had, "Are you implying that I am good enough to make jalebis only?"

He smirked, welcome back Khushi Kumari Gupta Singh Raizada. 

While on the other side, it felt like nothing had changed, the smugness was the same and Khushi felt like wiping that lopsided grin off his face. She couldn't control her emotions when it came to this man; he could turn her into a blabbering idiot or a gooey mess at will and she hated that. Unfortunately for her, she had no clue how adorable she looked to the man starring at her in mild amusement, even as she swore unceremoniously under her breath,#$%@#@#@! It may not have been the ladylike but it was quintessentially Khushi Kumari Gupta Singh Raizada, and he loved it.

Unable to hide his amusement at her antics, he chuckled lightly "What are you saying Khushi?"  enjoying every bit of that all too familiar drama, something that had been missing in his life for too long, far too long, he mused.

Khushi's response was quick but measured, like she was holding back, "Nothing..."  There is no need to indulge to his fancies, she cautioned herself. But he wasn't planning on backing down, so he bugged her some more, "Looks like you agree with me" he kept pushing her though.

Khushi knew where this was headed, "Oh please...I know what you are trying to do here. I'm not falling for it" She held back a smart remark knowing that's what he was after but Arnav was adamant and kept pestering her, "Just admit it Khushi, I was right"

"Yes of course" she replied slightly irked by now, "Laad Governer is always right. How can you be wrong, right?" His response was a mere shrug of the shoulders, "Well..." something about his response didn't gel well with her and even though it wasn't meant to be hurtful, Khushi's words triggered just that and took them back to square one, "Sweet shops yes...let's see..." she pretended to think, "May be you are right because that's the last place you would ever come to"

Ouch! Sometimes words hurt more than we think they do. Khushi's words weren't meant to hurt him per say or dig up the past, but that's what they did.  And with it, the awkwardness was back. The past that they had both wanted to put behind them was back. Silence was back. It seemed that they were destined to rot in this hell, was there no end to this impasse?

Dinner thereafter turned into a very, very quiet affair. They ate in complete silence, each ruminating on the events that had led them to this point. Arnav felt exalted and yet weariness seeped into it because at the back of his mind, this voice kept reminding him that this was fleeting, this moment was not going to last forever. The realization that come morning, he would have to drop her off in that building she called home was ebbing away his peace of mind.

On the other hand, Khushi also felt like she was on tenterhooks. Not only was her mind completely muddled by the revelations that Aman had brought along. But the news had also planted this seed of fear back in her mind which over the course of the dinner had seemingly snowballed into a full-fledged reality, was Shyam really back? It was a chilling thought and rightly unnerved her because Shyam meant trouble and only trouble. Something she knew without a shred of doubt by now.  Was she ready to go through it all over again?

Khushi just wanted to go back to that happy space of a fortnight ago, when her life was just about her with no shadows of the past looming about anywhere, just a girl trying to make something of her life with a firm belief that her past with all its headaches, heartaches and fears was well and truly behind her. Wrong! A voice from within startled her and she knew as she saw Arnav across the table that she couldn't have been more off. He was back and with him possibly everything else was too.

As she continued to gaze across the table lost in her thoughts, it happened without her knowing - that fear slowly ebbed away into the same dark crevices of her mind that it had crawled out of only to be replaced by a strange lull, like a serene calmness...that you feel only when you know you are absolutely safe where you are. Was that home? This could have been any other day of their lives, if only.

There before her, sat the man who had once forcefully married her - someone  whom she had over the course of the months spent together, come to accept as her husband - and perhaps the only man she had ever truly dared to love.  The same man who had accused her of adultery... and charged her guilty of the same...the man she had walked out on! When Arnav looked up and his eyes met her curious ones, his hands stilled, the grip on the fork was the only palpable signs of tension. His eyes were tender...and caring, so hollow and lonely, she noted. Like time had hollowed out everything leaving behind an empty shell. Was that her story too?

It was at this moment Khushi remembered the most random of things, Ved's wise words from another time, "our thoughts are a reflection of who we are" It hit her like a bolt of lightning, those words - she was seeing herself in those caramel orbs. It was no lie. There was no getting away from it. Why despite everything that had transpired between them, was she still sitting here? It didn't make sense because it never had.

They didn't know how long they kept looking at each other and it didn't matter. It could have been any other day, or year - or place, these two - back in Sheesh-mahal when she fell off the ramp and he caught a simmering gift in his arms, like a godsend into his life. Or that day when the tears of a nobody had robbed his sanity even while another woman - his fiance stood cocooned in the warmth of his arms; and yet the world had ceased to be not because of whom he held in his arms but because of that nobody who stood forlorn. It was always about them, and possibly would always be.

"Khushi?" it was Arnav who broke their moment, "Tum theek ho?"

Khushi felt a little embarrassed at having been caught starring at him so blatantly, "yes" she nodded and focused her attention on her plate, digging into the remaining pasta, hoping that he wouldn't have noticed. Not before her eyes fell on this shiny ring on his finger though, something was off about it but she couldn't quite put it together, yet.

Arnav gave a stilted smile, the kind that never reaches your eyes; she noticed much to her annoyance. Which clearly meant that the food wasn't much of a helpful diversion; this silence, and being with him in close proximity was beginning to make her feel restless. Khushi knew she needed a bigger distraction at this point, even if it was her own voice because she realized she was beginning to notice little details about him, details she had no business knowing, not anymore.

"You live here alone?" she asked looking around and no sooner had those words escaped her mouth, she felt utterly stupid. To his credit, he kept a straight face, "I told you earlier Khushi, I live alone here"

"Of course..." she said even as she let out a long sigh and looked around the table. "And you live with Deeya" he said hoping to engage her in some casual conversation, "She seems like a good friend" he said. Khushi smiled, "She is..." her fondness for Deeya was apparent in the warmth of that smile.

"She is...more like a mother to me at times..." she stopped right away surprised at her own admission, those big expressive eyes tried in vain to mask the emotions but it was too late. It didn't take long for the memories to crowd her mind either, memories of the family she had left behind and of that mother whose loving embrace she still yearned for. The same mother who had refused to acknowledge her, or stop Buaji from kicking her out of the house and slamming the door on her face during her pag phere rasam - despite everything, Khushi missed her mother, the only one she had ever known! The yearning was written on those orbs, clear for him to see.

Arnav's presence was starting to bring back everything in bits and pieces something she had managed to shut off in this city so far. She took a few moments to compose herself, but strangely it was his words that soothed her frazzled nerves more, "Garima  Aunty is fine, your family is fine...Khushi. She misses you" it was like he had been reading her mind, "Everyone does" he added hoping she would hear the unsaid.

Khushi got up abruptly from the chair and pushed the plate away, "I'm full"

She walked out into the balcony hoping for a reprieve and was immediately taken in by the view which was quite simply exquisite, the kind that only rich money could buy. It was the same city she lived in but while she saw rusted metal, stained glass, buildings that had stood far beyond their time - this view was nothing but the ocean - the sky and point where it all blurred and the distinction ceased to be. There were no voices here just the elements. It was still the same city, only the perspective had changed. It didn't make either of them unreal. Towards the far end of the balcony, neatly arranged in a row were his potted plants, fresh blooming roses. But Khushi was entranced by the magnificence to notice anything else.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Arnav walked out to stand beside her, his arms gripped the cold stainless steel railing, his fingers slightly grazing hers in the process. Khushi reacted by immediately drawing back that hold, he was too close for comfort again. Why does he keep doing this? She looked down at their hands and her eyes fell momentarily upon that ring again, something about the ring kept bothering her, she just couldn't figure out what though.

Both of them didn't say another word or move for the longest time. It was Khushi who broke this silence, "Why are you here Arnavji?" she asked, still not looking at him. Because you are here. Unfortunately that wasn't the response he voiced out loud, "Try this Khushi..." and then in a moment of uncharacteristic eagerness - he closed in on her and tilted her face upwards using his hands on her chin, so close that she could take in that fresh cologne, which was exquisitely him - "look at that cluster of stars...Khushi..." sensing her confusion, he continued explaining, "Straight up" and pointed towards it, "Yes, that's the one, with four of them...sparkling brightly" his voice fanned her face as he spoke.

His voice that touch - the proximity was stirring to life sensations she didn't think existed anymore. Helpless under this onslaught, she gave up and followed his directions to notice those stars twinkling in the night sky, "You know who they are?" he murmured in her ears. She didn't need to hear any further, Khushi turned abruptly wanting to stop him before he rendered her helpless but all thoughts flew out of her rational mind when she saw how close they stood. She let out a slight gasp when she felt him bring her closer, her eyes fell on that scar on his eye-lid before they settled on his eyes, and it was like she was starring at herself - at unmasked, naked truth. Unable to hold back, Khushi traced the outlines of the scar with the tip of her index finger sending him into frenzy, and before she realized it, he brought her fingers to his lips - and kissed them tenderly while his other hand held her in a possessive grip by her waist.

Overwhelmed, Khushi closed her eyes hoping to mask her emotions but could not stop the tears that trickled down as her defenses slowly melted away against his onslaught. However she snapped her eyes open in absolute shock, the very next moment - when she felt his thumb lightly graze her lips. Her eyes fluttered open as she pushed him back and leapt out of his hold realizing the urgent need to put an end to this, "Nooo..." her voice came out strained; and before he could react, she had walked back inside the apartment hoping the distance would help rein in those rogue emotions and her own treacherous heart that had suddenly come to life.

Arnav looked at Khushi, his Khushi as she sat motionless on the sofa. If she was hoping for some space, Arnav certainly paid no heed. He followed her in and knelt down on the floor in front of her in a move so uncharacteristically Arnav Singh Raizada, in either action or in words that it took both of them by surprise. Khushi could only stare in absolute silence, as he encased his hands firmly over her shaky ones, "Khushi..." he held her hand softly, stroking his thumb back and forth across her knuckles in a soothing gesture, "Khushi please..."

Khushi found herself starring back at a certain vulnerability - and was certain it was a reflection of her own state of being, "I came to take you home" he said.

It was no lie, there was no pretence; it wasn't a game - she saw. Truth, was all there was to it. And Khushi didn't get it, "Why now" she asked with curiosity laced words, "What's changed?" Reflexively, she tried to pry her hands off his hold but he would not let go "What if I refuse?" she asked again but he ignored her protests and kept saying what he had to, "I'm not here to let you go Khushi..." his hold was still strong, "I mean it, please come back home Khushi"

"Why?" she asked again.

"Why?" he snapped, "What do you mean why?" and immediately realized he shouldn't have raised his voice.

"You can't force me" he removed his hands like they had just been scarred by her words, "Like before" she said unbothered by his obvious discomfort. She would defy her heart because it only led down a path of hurt stained with tears, home was where she was.

"Khushi...please, that's not what I meant"

"Why do you get to decide everything Arnavji?" She looked at him, was that a hint of fear she saw in them, "Why don't you ask me what I want for a change?"

To her credit Khushi waited for his response and when there was none, she gave him a wry smile and said, "Somethings never change do they Arnav ji?"

He kept starring at her letting those words sink in, "That's all you remember?" he asked incredulously. A little hurt even though he was pretty sure, he deserved every bit of her anger.

She simply stared back blankly, eyes still trying to decipher things, words had failed to convey. 

"Home..." she rued, "I've been searching for one all my life"

Alarmed by her words and that faraway look in her eyes, he spoke, "Khushi..." but she motioned him to let her speak, "I lost home even before I knew what a home was... when I finally began to understand what it meant; I realized it wasn't real but a mirage as I was constantly reminded that I was the outsider. I tried my best to be one of them... and then Sheesh Mahal happened..." Arnav was beginning to dread where this was headed because he knew who the antagonist was in this tale, did he still think he deserved to take her home? But she wasn't done yet, "Then...you snatched away my only semblance of a home with one single stroke and made me an outsider once again. Every day you made it clear to me that, I was not welcome at your home...I was married but I had no home...or had a husband or a family, to call my own. I was alone amidst all those people, why would I ever want to go back, to such a place, or your home?"

Was he prepared to give an honest answer?